Operation: Galatic-Harvest is in Effect

MISSION BRIEF: OPERATION: GALACTIC HARVEST FILE ID: 001-X-FEMALE-ISO-MALE CLASSIFICATION: COSMIC RED (NON-PLATONIC) SUBJECT: Attention Earthlings!!! TARGET: Earth-Based Male or Female (Preferably one who doesn't believe the moon is made of cheese, but is open to other theories). THE SITUATION Intelligence reports suggest the Intergalactic Federation is looking for "specimens" of human chemistry, and frankly, I’m tired of being the only one on this planet doing the heavy lifting. I am currently deep undercover as a functioning member of society, but my "human" sensors are spiking. I require a male (or female) operative to assist in a high-stakes, non-platonic reconnaissance mission to study the effects of gravity on two bodies in VERY close proximity. TARGET REQUIREMENTS Biological Composition: 📍Can be male or Female. If you have more than two arms, please disclose this in your initial transmission (I only have so many hands). 📍Intellectual Shielding: You must be able to withstand my high-frequency wit and advanced sarcasm. If your "feelings" are easily bruised, our mission will be aborted before liftoff. 📍Operational Status: Must be capable of an "encounter" that doesn't involve discussing your ex-wife's cat or your "totally real" startup. 📍Disguise: Must be able to pass as a civilized human in public before we retreat to a secret base for the real research. MISSION OBJECTIVES 📌The Interrogation: Meet at your extraction point (for the time being) to ensure you aren't actually three grey aliens in a trench coat. 📌The Probing (Metaphorical... mostly): Engage in witty banter that doesn't make me want to eject myself into the vacuum of space. 📌The Close Encounter: Transition into the non-platonic phase of the mission where we test the "Theory of Everything" in YOUR private sector. WARNINGS & DISCLOSURES 🚀Sarcasm Levels: Set to "Lethal." 🚀Alien Tech: I have a zero-tolerance policy for "hover-hands" or who treat a date like a PowerPoint presentation on why they’re a "nice guy." 🚀Abduction Policy: If things go well, I might not return you to your natural habitat until waaaaaay later on! Fuck around and find out! LOL HOW TO APPLY Signal your intent by responding with a TEXT MESSAGE of your favorite conspiracy theory and your preferred method of "docking." If you find my transmission is deemed worthy, hopefully you will provide the coordinates for our first covert rendezvous. Failure to be funny will result in immediate vaporisation.